Parenting and a Pandemic

Hello There,

It has been quite a while. 2020 has been a horendously trying year for me. I have created my own struggles, have dug my own grave and also have been trying not to die or be killed (literally....).

I've realised through many of my actions, that I am very capable of being human.... A very dumb one at that which is annoying because who wants a dumb person in their life? It's the most infuriating when you need to wake up to her and fall asleep to her also. Not being able to explain your actions is never a solid course of action...

What have I learned? You can break up with all the bad parts of yourself. They do not define you. If they did I would not want to exist anymore. It's hard when you see aspects of yourself that you dislike, especially when they aren't physical. Hating any part of you won't make it disappear, but what you can do is work with yourself to get to where you need to be.

At times, I feel like I need to parent myself. If your kid has bad behavior, you discipline them and try to make them better while still making them feel loved... Sometimes I need to do that with myself and it sucks acknowledging my shortcomings but it is necessary. I used to say treat yourself the way you would a good friend when they are having challenges, but I honestly feel like that behavior is too soft to instill change.

Be a parent to yourself... Tell yourself you messed up, acknowledge your fault, but put steps in place to fix yourself. Only you can fix yourself. You don't try to save a plant by keeping it in the same spot... You change its environment. You can change your perspective and your environment... So do it. And most importantly, love the people that love you. Let them know you love them as much as you can and if you mess up, just try your best to fix it because that's all you can do.

I hope life gets back on track soon. I've been figuring out myself alot lately. To everyone, stay healthy, try your best to stay happy and love as well as you can.

Love,

Steph

I'm looking for.

I find myself constantly looking for things I crave. Sometimes I find it in food or booze but those are all just coping mechanisms. I'm no where near perfect and some days I look more like a potato than others. I've had days where I look in the mirror and wonder how I let myself become this and sometimes that seems to negate any feeling of strength I have ever built into the experience of being me. I feel with time you need to learn that your actions and your lack of control are all in your control. There comes a point where you figure out that all these habits which you do to cope with yourself are actually what stop you from making yourself what you want to be. I've come to a point where I don't just want to cope, I want to be what I need to be in order to support myself through what I interpret as tough times. Slowly but surely after repetition, habits should stick. It took this long to become who I am now. It's time to grow into what I'm capable of becoming. Just some random thoughts.

Love,

Steph

Also... I attached a picture of me looking like a potato.

It's Going to Hurt. Embrace it.

What do I want out of this life? I want to be cherished, I want to be loved, I want to feel like I am everything I need to be. Want though? Wanting is useless. Trying is what will get you where you need to be. Showing people you love them will give you clarity about the people that actually love you. Cherishing people to the best of your ability will show if they cherish you also. If you already know you’ve done everything in your ability to show someone your heart and they don’t show you a mirror image of the effort of what you put in, build a wall. Rejection is hard but it will build you up and get you to where you need to be. Hurt will make you stronger. Embrace it and learn from it.

<3 Steph